{"id":2457,"date":"2023-09-20T21:53:07","date_gmt":"2023-09-20T21:53:07","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.hawaii.edu\/vice-versa\/?page_id=2457"},"modified":"2023-12-17T19:34:09","modified_gmt":"2023-12-17T19:34:09","slug":"lillian-howan-2","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/www.hawaii.edu\/vice-versa\/lillian-howan-2\/","title":{"rendered":"Lillian Howan"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Do I Need a Lawyer<\/h1>\n\n\n\n
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I stopped because someone was taking a picture. She stood right in the middle of the parking lot, her head angled back, her phone pointed upwards at the tree. I felt annoyed at first. Only a tourist would make such a big deal out of this tree. I\u2019d seen bigger in Tahiti. And then I couldn\u2019t help but look up to where she was pointing her phone, at the branches and the ferns growing there, right on the tree. I\u2019d seen so many ferns before, so common in Tahiti, sprouting from concrete, but suddenly, I saw it the way that someone might see a fern for the first time. I stopped, and I continued standing there with my head lifted up like I was a tourist who didn\u2019t know any better.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Leigh sat at one of the outdoor tables with an older man who looked like a tourist. It was her father. He looked like most old white men visiting the islands, his face pink. He stood up to shake my hand. He was balding and somewhat paunchy, his eyes an intense shade of turquoise, and, for a moment, I felt unnerved.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Little birds hopped between the tables.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I ended up ordering the pancakes. Leigh ordered the Loco Moco. \u201cI\u2019ll have what she\u2019s having,\u201d said her father to the waitress.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I poured cream in my coffee and drank. I found I missed the taste of canned milk in coffee, although a few years ago, I found it tacky that my mother always put canned milk in her coffee.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cSo how are you?\u201d Leigh asked.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI need a lawyer,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A cat appeared, skinny and gray. The birds had already disappeared.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cAre you taking classes?\u201d asked Leigh.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWell, you\u2019re on a student visa.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThat\u2019s why I need a lawyer.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cA lawyer will tell you that you should take classes,\u201d said her father.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI can get married. To an American.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He nodded. \u201cYou certainly could.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cUnless you have someone in mind, the most straightforward solution is to enroll in the required amount of classes,\u201d said Leigh.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI already passed my bac,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cPerfect. You can enroll in one of the community colleges for the time being. Kapiolani Community College \u2013 you can start taking classes there.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I stared into the coffee cup. I had always been a good student, but now I found it agonizing, sitting in a classroom. I didn\u2019t know what to say. I watched the gray cat, making its way among the tables.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI\u2019d like to stay here,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Leigh nodded. \u201cYou don\u2019t have to go back to California.\u201d She paused. \u201cDo you want to go back to Tahiti?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYes. And no.\u201d I drank my coffee. It wasn\u2019t about a place. I wanted to go back in time. I wanted to go back to how things were, before Bee died. I wanted to stomp out the past and all my memories. That way the past never happened.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When I sat in class now, it was as if I was falling, as if I couldn\u2019t keep my balance. I could no longer sit still, listening to the droning of someone talking. I wasn\u2019t the same girl that Bee had met, the girl who was so proud of passing her bac, a girl who could sit in one place for hours. That girl was gone, and I didn\u2019t know how to find her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I looked up to find the waitress had brought us our plates. Syrup ran down the sides of my pancakes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Leigh had started eating her Loco Moco. Her father watched me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I smiled, a charming smile I hoped.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

His face seemed to soften, but he didn\u2019t smile.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Leigh had papers to grade, and she left after breakfast. Her father ordered a cup of coffee.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNo thank you, Mr. Pelevin,\u201d I said when he asked if I wanted more coffee.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cCall me Jeremy,\u201d he said. \u201cDo you want something else to eat?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI can\u2019t even finish these pancakes.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIt\u2019s a lot of pancakes.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cSo you\u2019re a lawyer,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYes, but not the type you\u2019re looking for.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cHow do you know?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWell, you might want to talk to an immigration lawyer.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cMaybe I should talk to a criminal lawyer. You know about me, don\u2019t you?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cLeigh filled me in on some of the details. I probably don\u2019t know anything.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cDid she tell you that I killed my boyfriend?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI do know there\u2019s a presumption of innocence.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThey all believe that I\u2019m guilty.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWell that\u2019s not for them to decide, is it?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cCan I be your client?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI\u2019m not a criminal lawyer. And I\u2019m not sure if you\u2019re teasing.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI\u2019m not flirting with you, if that\u2019s what you mean,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He nodded. \u201cGood.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou\u2019re old.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI am. And I\u2019m supposed to walk you back to my daughter\u2019s house. Or call a ride for you.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I found that I didn\u2019t want to leave, at least not yet, but I didn\u2019t say this.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou have friends here? Someone to talk to?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWell we could find you someone to talk to.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cLike a psychiatrist? I\u2019ve already seen a psychiatrist. In San Francisco I spent a few weeks in a place for crazy people. I was released last week.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cAre you taking the medication they gave you?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYes.\u201d What was I supposed to say to this kind of question?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou have it with you?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI don\u2019t like the way it makes me feel.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cSometimes it takes a while to find the right dose.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cSo what kind of a lawyer are you?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cA very boring type. I\u2019m retired.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou were disbarred?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He laughed suddenly. \u201cNo. My daughter has been after me to retire for awhile now. I retired last month. It\u2019s why I\u2019m here.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou don\u2019t look like someone who\u2019s used to living in the islands.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNo I\u2019m not. I\u2019m learning. I\u2019m old, as you said, but I hope I can learn.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cAre you married?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cShe died?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNo, she\u2019s very much alive.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cShe divorced you.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNo, we never got married.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou never married Leigh\u2019s mother?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNo. We had an arrangement.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhat kind of arrangement?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWell, she wanted a child.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cEwww.\u201d I shook my head. \u201cI don\u2019t want to hear anymore.\u201d I pretended to be thoroughly disgusted. I wrinkled my nose, but it was odd, I could somehow picture Leigh\u2019s father when he was younger and perhaps even attractive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He smiled, amused. I wondered if he sensed that I was pretending to be disgusted.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cLet\u2019s go,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWould you like me to call a ride for you?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNo, let\u2019s walk.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

One of the tiny birds flew to the edge of the table. It hopped nervously for a moment and then took off, landing at an empty table next to us. Jeremy turned his head to look at it, and he whistled softly, a sweet sound. To my surprise, the bird chirped back. It flew back to our table, cocking its head to peer at Jeremy, and then it flew away.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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\"\"<\/a><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n

Koelreuteria formosana, at University of Hawai\u02bbi, M\u0101noa.<\/em>
Photo by Wendy Cutler<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

The next evening, Leigh was still busy grading papers, and I met her father for a walk around the university campus. A cat sat on one of the lawns, its eyes glowing in the twilight, and then there was another cat. It was getting dark, and I wasn\u2019t too sure if I was seeing clearly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThere\u2019s another cat there,\u201d said Jeremy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We walked quietly together, and Jeremy talked about some program that left food for the cats and cleaned up after them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThey don\u2019t belong to anyone?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThey\u2019re feral,\u201d said Jeremy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cDoes that mean they\u2019re wild?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThey\u2019re not pets. They live outside here.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I watched a shadowy cat crossing a footpath, disappearing among the shrubs. \u201cThat can\u2019t be a bad life.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNot everyone is happy about the cats here,\u201d Jeremy replied. \u201cPeople worry about the native bird population.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cCats eat rats.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThey do. They also eat birds. A cat won\u2019t distinguish between an endangered bird and a rat. If they can catch it, they\u2019ll eat it.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It was growing darker, and although the paths were illuminated, it seemed as if Jeremy\u2019s features grew blurry. He was the father of my mother\u2019s girlfriend, but as we continued walking, I grew less sure of his age. I didn\u2019t listen much to what he was saying, something about buildings as we passed. \u201cThat\u2019s the East West Center,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I was thinking about how I couldn\u2019t see Jeremy too clearly, or maybe it was the way that he felt. It was odd to think that way, as if people had a feeling that surrounded them. During the day, Jeremy had seemed so much older, but now it was as if something shadowy had surrounded him. If I closed my eyes \u2026 and then I was aware, in a fuzzy sort of way, that I felt relaxed. I had not felt so comfortable in a long time. Not since Bee died, and even before then, we had argued every day.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Jeremy paused, stopping between some tipanie trees, their fragrance floating in the air. My grandmother called them ghost flowers. Jeremy reached up, plucking a flower from one of the branches. He smiled and turned to me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I took the flower from his hand and placed it behind my ear.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWe\u2019ll get something to eat for dinner,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I laughed a little.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhat is it?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI haven\u2019t been very happy lately,\u201d I said. It had been so stark and clear, the image of Bee\u2019s body lying beside the pool. Even before I approached, I knew that there was something terribly wrong.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I took a breath. The flowers were white and yellow, the petals soft, the fragrance of tipanie thick in the night. I just wanted to keep walking. The branches of the tipanie were long and smooth, crowned with leaves and flowers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We walked until the university campus ended, and the road passed by a school parking lot where a long line of tipanie trees grew, of many colors. I couldn\u2019t distinguish the colors too well under the street lights. There were pinks and oranges, and a tree of dark flowers. The school parking lot ended in a residential street, bordered by houses with orchids and more tipanie. The street stopped, and a path began. A large mango tree stood at the entrance. I followed Jeremy along the path, bordering fields. The path turned and turned again. We passed by a pile of smooth stones in a corner, volcanic stones speckled with holes. I stopped by the stones. I took the flower from my hair and placed it in a crevice between two stones.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I wondered if I was doing right, putting the flower between the stones. I remembered sitting with my dad one night while he held a toere, lightly in one hand, and a stick in the other. He closed his eyes and opened them, and he began drumming, the rhythm fast. It seemed to flow out of him without effort, but my mother said that he\u2019d been playing all his life. Almost since he started walking, she said, although maybe he started drumming before that. There was a way to drum, and you could learn it much later in life, but when you grew up with the toere, it became part of you, and you knew, almost without being told, the right way to drum.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I didn\u2019t grow up with the drum. I grew up with my parents screaming at one another. Things would break and they would scream some more and then it would be quiet because my dad had left. For such a long time, it seemed. His parents had come from Ra\u2019i\u0101tea. They would know what you placed on the stones, and what you did not. But there was so much screaming and breaking, bottles and dishes and glasses, and with all that breaking, things got lost in the end. I didn\u2019t know where they were anymore.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Looking up, I saw mountains in the distance, between the trees ahead, dark shapes of mountains and the sky above.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We\u2019re going there, I thought.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWe\u2019re going to the shopping center,\u201d said Jeremy. He pointed to some lights close by. \u201cThere\u2019s a place with plate dinners.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cAre the plate dinners good?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThey\u2019re not bad.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We had reached the edge of the fields, ending in a street that passed by a small shopping center. \u201cLook, there\u2019s a hamburger place,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWe\u2019ll eat there another time.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou know, there\u2019s only two of these in Tahiti.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWell that\u2019s two fastfood hamburger places too many,\u201d said Jeremy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThere\u2019s also the Lagoon Bleu hamburgers,\u201d I said. \u201cIt\u2019s really good.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIf I have to eat hamburgers in Tahiti, I\u2019ll be sure to go to the Lagoon Bleu.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou Americans always say that fastfood is bad.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThat\u2019s because they aren\u2019t good for your health. It\u2019s all about making money as far as Americans are concerned.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cCan I get fries?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Jeremy turned to me. \u201cAre you serious?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIn Tahiti, I have to go drive all the way into town.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIn Tahiti you have fresh fish.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cAre you kidding me?\u201d I said. \u201cDo you know how much fish costs?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cFish is sold by the side of the road.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYeah, for forty, fifty dollars. I don\u2019t have the money to eat that fish.\u201d I walked ahead, entering the shopping center parking lot. Monkeypod trees grew, their branches over the white lights of the parking lot. \u201cI\u2019m getting the fries.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cOkay,\u201d said Jeremy. \u201cBut your dinner\u2019s not consisting only of french fries.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Maybe it was the bright lights of the shopping center, but Jeremy no longer felt indistinct and ageless. The neon of the fastfood place glowed, and his hair was gray. He was the age of my grandfather.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cFine,\u201d I said. \u201cWe\u2019ll eat plate dinners, and then we\u2019ll get french fries.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou\u2019ll have to eat the vegetables of your plate dinner,\u201d said Jeremy. I could picture these vegetables already: steamed and limp, served with rice.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou know, we have people like you in Tahiti,\u201d I said. \u201cShapeshifters. Although I\u2019ve never seen one up close before.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThere\u2019s a first time for everything,\u201d Jeremy replied.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cSo how do you do that? Morphing so quickly into a boring old man?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIt takes skill.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou don\u2019t have to stay that way,\u201d I said. \u201cIt\u2019s dull.\u201d The lights of fast food beckoned.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNo, over here. This way,\u201d said Jeremy walking in the direction of the low-salt, bland, healthy-boring, and responsible.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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\"\"<\/a><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n

L<\/strong>illian Howan<\/b>\u2019s debut novel The Charm Buyers<\/i> received the Ka Palapala Po\u2019okela Award for Excellence. Her novel The Spellbound<\/i> is forthcoming from WTAW (Why There Are Words) Press. \u201cDo I Need A Lawyer\u201d is excerpted from a novel-in-progress set in Hawai\u2018i, Tahiti, and Ra\u2019i\u0101tea.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Do I Need a Lawyer I stopped because someone was taking a picture. She stood right in the middle of the parking lot, her head angled back, her phone pointed upwards at the tree. I felt annoyed at first. Only a tourist would make such a big deal out of this tree. I\u2019d seen bigger … <\/p>\n

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